Lessons and Blessings

I hate when my plans are not carried out how I had wanted them too. I hate it more, when I get impatient with things and end of trying to fix them myself. I hate it even more, when I’m thrown on my back side because I continue to refuse to listen to what God is telling me.  

When I returned to work in January I returned to a “light duty” position. It was something that I thought in my mind would only last a couple of months. I carried on with it, did the best I could and looked forward to the day that I could go back to being a bedside nurse. When I returned to the doctor two months later, he informed me that I would stay on light duty, and that he was probably going to have to take my license away because my vision had become even worse than it had been before. To say I was not happy about that would be an understatement. I tried to fix it myself; I tried to drive anyway which I quickly realized was a terrible idea, I tried to get around doing things and every time I got knocked back on my behind. I continued on “light duty” in this position for another two months, and I just knew when I returned to the doctor the next time that he would release me! Instead, he told me my vision had declined some more and that he wanted to keep doing what we were doing, and he would see me in a couple of months. Every time I had to come back to work and tell my boss that I couldn’t return to normal duty, I was terrified. Terrified that she would say, well I just don’t know how much longer we can do this. Terrified I would lose my job. However, that never happened. Around month 4-5 I started to feel like I was worthless. Like I meant nothing, and like my job was worth nothing. I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time, and continued to feel degraded and like I was nothing. My husband had to drive me back and forth to work every day, I lost a certain amount of independence, and I wasn’t happy about it.

During this same time, my husband and I had something very tragic happen to us, and while I don’t really want to go into details I will tell you that it may have been one of the hardest things we’ve been through, and we have been through a lot! It was almost like the devil was just attacking every aspect of my life, and I was letting him because I felt like I deserved it. Being that far down in a hole is a really hard thing to come out of. I refused to get out of the bed, I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I missed a few days of work, and I just felt like I wasn’t worth anything. I felt like I had done something wrong, and I couldn’t come up with any other reason why this was happening to us.

It was also around that time that we started to attend a new church, and got involved with a new small group. The very first time I attended the small group was extremely hard for me. I always feel out of place, and like I don’t belong, and these people made me feel at home. While they had no clue that my life had been turned upside down the week before, and that I was not in a good place mentally and emotionally, they still made me feel like I belonged. From that day forward, I continued to get encouragement from some of the girls in the group. Again, they had no clue what I was going through but their encouragement and prayers, helped me to slowly get out of my funk. While I would never forget what happened, it allowed me to be able to deal with our situation.

Also during this time, I myself started to realize that I was not going to be able to go back to bedside nursing. And that broke me. I felt like I had failed at my career. I started looking for other positions within the hospital. I didn’t feel right about doing it, because I felt like I was leaving my “family”. The people who had taken care of me, and always been there for me. I wasn’t ready to leave them, however I had to branch out and see what else was out there. I applied for several jobs, had a few interviews and had kind of gave up when I didn’t hear anything. Then I had one specific interview, and the lady had practically told me I had the job before I even left the interview. I was so excited. It was perfect for me. I went and told everyone! Only to hear from the lady, and find out that she had gone with someone else. Again, my  hopes had been crushed. I went on applying for positions, any position I could find at my hospital that I may be capable of. I had several people telling me I needed to look outside of the hospital, to go somewhere else and look for a job. That I “couldn’t put all my eggs in one basket”. But I never got a peace about that. I always felt like there was something keeping me where I was. The people at my work, had always been there for me and I felt like something was telling me to just wait and be patient and it would all work out. When I would tell my family that I got many weird looks, and many people telling me that I had to just take the leap. But I continued to listen to my heart, listen to God, telling me just to wait.

While I continued to be on light duty, and feel worthless in my current position, a new job just kind of dropped in my lap one day. I had interviewed for a case management position that was on another floor, I hadn’t put my all in the interview because I wasn’t too excited about it. However, I went to the anyway just in case something was to come of it. Two weeks later, I got an email stating that there was a case management position that was opening up on MY FLOOR and they wanted to extend the offer to me. To say I was ecstatic was an understatement. To be able to have a job that means something, a job that helps people, and still be able to stay with my “family” on my floor, was 100% God’s intervention.

I have been in my new position for about 3 weeks now, and I can honestly say that it is where I am meant to be. It is completely different than anything I have done before, and I love it. I feel like a new person. I have a new confidence that I didn’t know I had lost. I wake up every morning wanting to go to work, and I genuinely care about each of my patients and what I am doing for them. This amazing thing that God put in place for me, I can’t begin to describe how grateful I am.

I know this was a really long story…. but those roller coasters that I have been on for the past few months, have all shown me one thing. God is always there. He is always there listening, and working, and showing us what He wants us to see. All I needed to do was open my eyes, and my heart, and realize that God could handle these things, and I didn’t have too. I needed to stop asking everyone else for prayers, and instead pray harder myself.

“In every loss, look for the lesson and the blessing…” I have had a lot of loss these past few months… but I can tell you, I have learned a lot of lessons…. And I have gained some amazing blessings. 

Rejection

Nobody likes rejection. Its really a terrible word if you think about it. What does it really mean? The official definition of rejection is “the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.”. Nobody likes to feel refused, or like they are being dismissed.

I know for me, this has been an issue since I was young. Rejection was not something that I handled well. It didn’t matter what it was, I didn’t handle it well. It could be a bad grade on a test… I would feel like that teacher was “rejecting” me. It could be an argument with a friend…and I would feel like I was being rejected by that friend. As I got older, it could be not passing the biggest test of my life the first time…. I felt rejected. It could be anything really. 
Last week, I felt some of the biggest rejection I have felt in a long time. I had a huge opportunity come before me, and really felt like God was in it 100%. He was going to make this happen for me and I was oh so excited. My husband was excited, everything was finally falling into place.

And then what happened?

That opportunity did not come through like we had thought it would. I felt REJECTED. Like I wasn’t good enough. Like I never had been good enough. Like I always failed at everything. Like I let down my family. It felt like I was spiraling down a path that was not good for me in any way. I kept asking Why? Why does this happen? Why do I get my hopes up to be crushed? Why do opportunities just come and go? Why did God let this happen? Why did He put this opportunity in my way when He knew that it wasn’t going to turn out the way that I had hoped and prayed it would? I began to really feel worthless.

I know, you may be thinking… Jeez lady, it was one situation…. don’t get so down on yourself. But, what you may or may not understand is that, things haven’t been all sunshine and rainbows for the past few months. There have been a lot of downfalls, and a lot of rejection. I was so ecstatic that something was going right… something good was going to become of all of this…. and then that was stripped away as well. I wondered why God was punishing me? Why couldn’t I have just one good thing?

And then I not so quickly realized, that there are a lot of I’s in there. A lot of Why me? Why this? Why that?.... When in all reality, I have no right to ask God why. He knew this plan was going to take place way before I did. He knew that I would get my hopes up, and then have them crushed. He knew that I would fail at many things in life. He knew that everything in my life would take place…way before I did.

So I have to stop asking him Why… and instead just accept this for what it is. Accept it as God showing me something that maybe I haven’t even figured out yet. Accept it as God making me even stronger in this storm. Praising him in the storm, is not something that has ever been easy for me, but maybe that is where he is trying to grow me.

Looking back, I can see how God is and was trying to use me in this situation. He is showing me to not stop relying on him. To always put Him first, and to know that even when I feel REJECTED, that he is there and has a great reason for it.

I feel pretty confident, that the devil was on my back with this. He was telling me I wasn’t good enough, he was telling me that I would never be good enough. He got my hopes so far up, that I really didn’t feel like I had any chance of being disappointed. He was telling me I would be better off to give up. He was telling me that my friends would reject me because of this. He was telling me that I would never be good enough for anyone. He was telling me I was a failure at life.

And…. I believed him. He took a hold of my mind and ran with it. He put me in a lowest of low. He knew I would cave into what he was telling me… and I did. I succeeded with everything the devil wanted to happen.

It has taken a good while for me to realize, that these things may not be totally true. I still have a hard time realizing that I am good enough. I still have a hard time realizing that my friends won’t think I am a complete failure. I still have a hard time with feeling rejected. But God is helping me to realize that I am His child, and that these thoughts that have been put in my head are not of him, but are of the devil. He is showing me day by day that I am not a failure…. So while I still feel rejected, and I still feel many of the things that I said above…. I know that if I keep God first and foremost, he can show me every day that those things not true.

So…. Long story short… the Devil…. He loves some rejection. He thrives on it. He wants us to be down in the dumps and at our lowest. He wants us to feel worthless. He wants us to give up. But God…. He wants us to know that even when we get rejected, because let’s face it, it WILL happen to everyone…. that we need to pull up our big girl panties, and rely totally on Him. Not trying to solve things on our own, or give up because things got “so good” in life… but to continue to know that He has our back, no matter what. 

Indescribable

Have you ever just felt like everything was going perfectly in life. Your friends were awesome. You enjoyed going to work. You felt useful in what you were doing. You felt close to your family and friends. You felt good mentally, physically and emotionally. Sure, you had your every now and again bad days…. But for the most part, everything just seemed like it was going so right.

Now in this time, have you ever stopped to just think and thank God for putting all of your obstacles by the way side for at least this short period of time. Thanking him for showing you that, yes there is a better way out there. Thanking him for loving you unconditionally. Thank him for being indescribable. Just to truly sit down and Thank God for everything. Just for one day, not to ask him for things… but to honestly sit down and just commend God on everything he has done for you.

I know for me (and yes I am slightly ashamed to mention this), when things are going great…. When my vision isn’t diminishing more than normal, when my life just seems to be going amazing, that I often forget to Thank God for that. Often times, I remember to continue to ask him for things, like “Oh Lord, please just continue to let things be the way they have been. My life is so perfect right now, for the first time in MONTHS… please God, just show me the way to keep it this way.”…… Do you see what’s wrong with that statement?? The entire thing was full of I want’s and I needs…. All questions of things I am asking for from God. But yet I have yet to do anything for him.

I know in any kind of relationship, you can try and try to be the person that person wants you to be…. But when you don’t get any reciprocation, a lot of times you want to just turn away and cut your losses. The amazing thing about God is that, he will NEVER turn away. He will NEVER cut his losses. So, be sure to THANK him for that. Thank him for always being there for you, thank Him for letting you have an amazing few weeks, thank him for creating the situations that you have been in, and thank him for showing you what to say and do in those instances.

You see, a lot of people think that God is a demanding person. He wants you to do all of these things… He wants us to be faithful, merciful, graceful, forgiving, dependent on Him alone… and the list goes on. But in all reality… God is the MOST selfless person around. He is the one who created everything you see around you. Everything that He was, and Is, and Is to come…. Is indescribable. He wants us to know that no matter what, we will always be loved, cherished and cared for. Even when we feel let down, even when we are feeling out of place, even when we are feeling great and feel like everything around us is in perfect place….

Always, always, always remember….

That God is the one who put it there. Whatever situation you are in…. know, that He put it there for a reason. So today…. stop asking for things…. And instead Thank him for everything situation and every person he has put in your path. Today I challenge you, to take time to just purely Thank God for the specific things in your life. I did this for the first time a few days ago, and have continued to do it every day since, and I feel like I have a new look on many things.

To Be continued…….