Lessons and Blessings

I hate when my plans are not carried out how I had wanted them too. I hate it more, when I get impatient with things and end of trying to fix them myself. I hate it even more, when I’m thrown on my back side because I continue to refuse to listen to what God is telling me.  

When I returned to work in January I returned to a “light duty” position. It was something that I thought in my mind would only last a couple of months. I carried on with it, did the best I could and looked forward to the day that I could go back to being a bedside nurse. When I returned to the doctor two months later, he informed me that I would stay on light duty, and that he was probably going to have to take my license away because my vision had become even worse than it had been before. To say I was not happy about that would be an understatement. I tried to fix it myself; I tried to drive anyway which I quickly realized was a terrible idea, I tried to get around doing things and every time I got knocked back on my behind. I continued on “light duty” in this position for another two months, and I just knew when I returned to the doctor the next time that he would release me! Instead, he told me my vision had declined some more and that he wanted to keep doing what we were doing, and he would see me in a couple of months. Every time I had to come back to work and tell my boss that I couldn’t return to normal duty, I was terrified. Terrified that she would say, well I just don’t know how much longer we can do this. Terrified I would lose my job. However, that never happened. Around month 4-5 I started to feel like I was worthless. Like I meant nothing, and like my job was worth nothing. I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time, and continued to feel degraded and like I was nothing. My husband had to drive me back and forth to work every day, I lost a certain amount of independence, and I wasn’t happy about it.

During this same time, my husband and I had something very tragic happen to us, and while I don’t really want to go into details I will tell you that it may have been one of the hardest things we’ve been through, and we have been through a lot! It was almost like the devil was just attacking every aspect of my life, and I was letting him because I felt like I deserved it. Being that far down in a hole is a really hard thing to come out of. I refused to get out of the bed, I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I missed a few days of work, and I just felt like I wasn’t worth anything. I felt like I had done something wrong, and I couldn’t come up with any other reason why this was happening to us.

It was also around that time that we started to attend a new church, and got involved with a new small group. The very first time I attended the small group was extremely hard for me. I always feel out of place, and like I don’t belong, and these people made me feel at home. While they had no clue that my life had been turned upside down the week before, and that I was not in a good place mentally and emotionally, they still made me feel like I belonged. From that day forward, I continued to get encouragement from some of the girls in the group. Again, they had no clue what I was going through but their encouragement and prayers, helped me to slowly get out of my funk. While I would never forget what happened, it allowed me to be able to deal with our situation.

Also during this time, I myself started to realize that I was not going to be able to go back to bedside nursing. And that broke me. I felt like I had failed at my career. I started looking for other positions within the hospital. I didn’t feel right about doing it, because I felt like I was leaving my “family”. The people who had taken care of me, and always been there for me. I wasn’t ready to leave them, however I had to branch out and see what else was out there. I applied for several jobs, had a few interviews and had kind of gave up when I didn’t hear anything. Then I had one specific interview, and the lady had practically told me I had the job before I even left the interview. I was so excited. It was perfect for me. I went and told everyone! Only to hear from the lady, and find out that she had gone with someone else. Again, my  hopes had been crushed. I went on applying for positions, any position I could find at my hospital that I may be capable of. I had several people telling me I needed to look outside of the hospital, to go somewhere else and look for a job. That I “couldn’t put all my eggs in one basket”. But I never got a peace about that. I always felt like there was something keeping me where I was. The people at my work, had always been there for me and I felt like something was telling me to just wait and be patient and it would all work out. When I would tell my family that I got many weird looks, and many people telling me that I had to just take the leap. But I continued to listen to my heart, listen to God, telling me just to wait.

While I continued to be on light duty, and feel worthless in my current position, a new job just kind of dropped in my lap one day. I had interviewed for a case management position that was on another floor, I hadn’t put my all in the interview because I wasn’t too excited about it. However, I went to the anyway just in case something was to come of it. Two weeks later, I got an email stating that there was a case management position that was opening up on MY FLOOR and they wanted to extend the offer to me. To say I was ecstatic was an understatement. To be able to have a job that means something, a job that helps people, and still be able to stay with my “family” on my floor, was 100% God’s intervention.

I have been in my new position for about 3 weeks now, and I can honestly say that it is where I am meant to be. It is completely different than anything I have done before, and I love it. I feel like a new person. I have a new confidence that I didn’t know I had lost. I wake up every morning wanting to go to work, and I genuinely care about each of my patients and what I am doing for them. This amazing thing that God put in place for me, I can’t begin to describe how grateful I am.

I know this was a really long story…. but those roller coasters that I have been on for the past few months, have all shown me one thing. God is always there. He is always there listening, and working, and showing us what He wants us to see. All I needed to do was open my eyes, and my heart, and realize that God could handle these things, and I didn’t have too. I needed to stop asking everyone else for prayers, and instead pray harder myself.

“In every loss, look for the lesson and the blessing…” I have had a lot of loss these past few months… but I can tell you, I have learned a lot of lessons…. And I have gained some amazing blessings.