I hate when my plans are not carried out how I had wanted
them too. I hate it more, when I get impatient with things and end of trying to
fix them myself. I hate it even more, when I’m thrown on my back side because I
continue to refuse to listen to what God is telling me.
When I returned to work in January I returned to a “light
duty” position. It was something that I thought in my mind would only last a
couple of months. I carried on with it, did the best I could and looked forward
to the day that I could go back to being a bedside nurse. When I returned to
the doctor two months later, he informed me that I would stay on light duty,
and that he was probably going to have to take my license away because my
vision had become even worse than it had been before. To say I was not happy
about that would be an understatement. I tried to fix it myself; I tried to
drive anyway which I quickly realized was a terrible idea, I tried to get
around doing things and every time I got knocked back on my behind. I continued
on “light duty” in this position for another two months, and I just knew when I
returned to the doctor the next time that he would release me! Instead, he told
me my vision had declined some more and that he wanted to keep doing what we
were doing, and he would see me in a couple of months. Every time I had to come
back to work and tell my boss that I couldn’t return to normal duty, I was
terrified. Terrified that she would say, well I just don’t know how much longer
we can do this. Terrified I would lose my job. However, that never happened.
Around month 4-5 I started to feel like I was worthless. Like I meant nothing,
and like my job was worth nothing. I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time,
and continued to feel degraded and like I was nothing. My husband had to drive
me back and forth to work every day, I lost a certain amount of independence,
and I wasn’t happy about it.
During this same time, my husband and I had something very
tragic happen to us, and while I don’t really want to go into details I will
tell you that it may have been one of the hardest things we’ve been through,
and we have been through a lot! It was almost like the devil was just attacking
every aspect of my life, and I was letting him because I felt like I deserved
it. Being that far down in a hole is a really hard thing to come out of. I
refused to get out of the bed, I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I missed
a few days of work, and I just felt like I wasn’t worth anything. I felt like I
had done something wrong, and I couldn’t come up with any other reason why this
was happening to us.
It was also around that time that we started to attend a new
church, and got involved with a new small group. The very first time I attended
the small group was extremely hard for me. I always feel out of place, and like
I don’t belong, and these people made me feel at home. While they had no clue
that my life had been turned upside down the week before, and that I was not in
a good place mentally and emotionally, they still made me feel like I belonged.
From that day forward, I continued to get encouragement from some of the girls
in the group. Again, they had no clue what I was going through but their
encouragement and prayers, helped me to slowly get out of my funk. While I
would never forget what happened, it allowed me to be able to deal with our
situation.
Also during this time, I myself started to realize that I
was not going to be able to go back to bedside nursing. And that broke me. I
felt like I had failed at my career. I started looking for other positions
within the hospital. I didn’t feel right about doing it, because I felt like I
was leaving my “family”. The people who had taken care of me, and always been
there for me. I wasn’t ready to leave them, however I had to branch out and see
what else was out there. I applied for several jobs, had a few interviews and
had kind of gave up when I didn’t hear anything. Then I had one specific
interview, and the lady had practically told me I had the job before I even
left the interview. I was so excited. It was perfect for me. I went and told
everyone! Only to hear from the lady, and find out that she had gone with
someone else. Again, my hopes had been
crushed. I went on applying for positions, any position I could find at my
hospital that I may be capable of. I had several people telling me I needed to
look outside of the hospital, to go somewhere else and look for a job. That I “couldn’t
put all my eggs in one basket”. But I never got a peace about that. I always
felt like there was something keeping me where I was. The people at my work,
had always been there for me and I felt like something was telling me to just
wait and be patient and it would all work out. When I would tell my family that
I got many weird looks, and many people telling me that I had to just take the
leap. But I continued to listen to my heart, listen to God, telling me just to
wait.
While I continued to be on light duty, and feel worthless in
my current position, a new job just kind of dropped in my lap one day. I had
interviewed for a case management position that was on another floor, I hadn’t put
my all in the interview because I wasn’t too excited about it. However, I went
to the anyway just in case something was to come of it. Two weeks later, I got
an email stating that there was a case management position that was opening up
on MY FLOOR and they wanted to extend the offer to me. To say I was ecstatic
was an understatement. To be able to have a job that means something, a job
that helps people, and still be able to stay with my “family” on my floor, was
100% God’s intervention.
I have been in my new position for about 3 weeks now, and I can
honestly say that it is where I am meant to be. It is completely different than
anything I have done before, and I love it. I feel like a new person. I have a
new confidence that I didn’t know I had lost. I wake up every morning wanting
to go to work, and I genuinely care about each of my patients and what I am
doing for them. This amazing thing that God put in place for me, I can’t begin
to describe how grateful I am.
I know this was a really long story…. but those roller
coasters that I have been on for the past few months, have all shown me one
thing. God is always there. He is always there listening, and working, and
showing us what He wants us to see. All I needed to do was open my eyes, and my
heart, and realize that God could handle these things, and I didn’t have too. I
needed to stop asking everyone else for prayers, and instead pray harder
myself.
“In every loss, look for the lesson and the blessing…” I
have had a lot of loss these past few months… but I can tell you, I have
learned a lot of lessons…. And I have gained some amazing blessings.
